I have long thought of myself as a Sakya "beginning beginner," at the very start of my dharma studies for over eight years now. I first took refuge with Jetsun Kushok pretty much by accident -- I had been interested in Buddhism, but had never met a teacher, so my then-friend/now-husband invited me to one of her teachings and there I was, taking refuge! The ground didn't tremble (though to this day I cannot recall the moment when Jetsun-ma cut a piece of my hair), and my life didn't change so much; I never looked back in regret.

The ebb and flow of practicing, struggling to practice, stubbornly not practicing, and tentatively practicing again has slowly changed me in ways that are inexpressible. When I learned that Lamdre would be held in the summer of 2000 I didn't feel "ready" for it but knew that I should go. And yet I stubbornly resisted! I made my husband ask our teacher if we should attend (since I was "still a beginner" I was sure she'd let me off the hook). Her response: "If you want to be a serious Sakya practitioner, you should go."

We scrimped and saved to somewhere near the best of our ability, but still I resisted the pull of Lamdre. As the time to fully commit approached it became clear that in order to attend we would need to quit our jobs and, since we were planning to do so anyway, move across the state of Washington (closer to Vancouver BC). We asked our teacher again, given everything it entailed, "should we attend?" This time her response was unequivocal: "Yes."

So in the space of six weeks we quit our jobs, packed our house, shipped our cats off to stay with relatives, moved across the state, and left (the day after moving!) for Vancouver. A new life unfolded before me. Several weeks in the company of strangers who didn't feel like strangers, receiving teachings from men who seemed to look straight into your heart and read the questions in your thoughts. I struggled to comprehend what I heard, yet finally started to feel like I was a "real" Buddhist in a community of Buddhists.

The epiphany came a few days after leaving Vancouver. I attended teachings given by His Holiness Sakya Trizin in Seattle and Olympia, trying to extend my Lamdre experience as long as possible. Surrounded by new strangers I recognized something I'd never noticed in myself, an awareness of others and familiarity with the dharma that had somehow crept up on me over the years. Still the "beginner," but no longer perhaps the "beginning beginner."

Now I sit, strengthened by my Lamdre experience and feeling the sangha around me, knowing I never will look back.